1. You are called & equipped
   

It takes a really special person to take on the role of a stepparent. 

I personally believe it is something that some people are called to do, by God. And goodness, what an extraordinary opportunity, for you to reflect to others, exactly what Jesus has done for us on the Cross. He without hesitation, stepped directly into our mess and essentially said, 

“I will love you unconditionally, regardless of your past, and I will walk with you through this journey of life. You can trust me. You can lean on me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Mama, isn’t that so true? You too, are willingly stepping into a situation that is often messy. A situation where there’s a good chance you will not be liked or accepted. You are saying, 

“Despite the difficulties, and despite the chance of being hurt at times, my love for the people involved is even greater. I have more hope in the potential of what this relationship and family dynamic can grow into and be, than fear of what may happen.” 

This big heart of yours, this deep love you’ve experienced from the Father, is what catapults you into action. You ultimately decide to go through the deep waters, and figure things out along the way. When it gets hard, lift up that pretty head of yours, and set your eyes on the truth of God. He wouldn’t have led you here, just to leave you here alone. He gave you this desire, this love, and this incredible ability to suffer-long with others. You are so very equipped, beyond what you realize, because HIS power and HIS strength is running through your veins. Keep seeking Him and letting him unravel in you, all of the ways in which you’ve already been equipped by Him. 

2. You are not alone. You are seen.
   

If you are here, reading this today, let it be proof that you, mama, are sincerely not alone. And though at times it may feel this way, I promise that you’re not. God sees you. He sees your efforts. 

• When you’re the one cleaning your step kid’s bedrooms and washing their clothes. 
• When you’re intentionally including their favorite foods in your meal plans for the week. 
• When you’re at Target and you see a winter coat in their size, so you buy it.
• When you are doing everything in your power to care for them, love them, and make    them as comfortable as possible…yet the kids don’t notice.

I’ve been there, felt that. I’ve also felt the grace of God pour over me, as I hear him tell me, 

“They don’t see IT, but I see YOU. And what you’re doing for them, you’re doing for me.” 

Eventually they’ll see how even the simplest and most mundane things you did for them, were out of your steadfast love. In the meantime, focus on God’s Word, 

“Do not grow weary in doing good, for at just the right time you will reap a harvest if you don’t give up.”  -Galatians 6:9

3. Don’t let your emotions lead you

Especially when dealing with younger, more emotional children. As much as we are emotionally invested in these relationships with our step kids, that emotion should not be in charge. This may be one of the most difficult parts of being a stepmom.  I’m sure you’ve felt the highs and lows of heavy emotions that so KINDLY tag along for the ride and tug you all over the place. 

There are so many times where you offer your love, advice, playfulness, kindness, and your friendship…all to be rejected. Kids will call you names, accuse you of wrong motives, be unappreciative, and full of attitude. There will be times when it’s so easy to feel like you’ll just never be good enough. But you, as a parent, can rise above those negative feelings you’re left with.

Please don’t hear me saying this is easy. It’s not. Trust me. What I’m trying to say is hang in there. Learn to take the bad with the good. Try your best not to reciprocate hurtful words and actions in your frustration. Cling to what is GOOD and what is TRUE. When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, run to the Father. Lay the hurt and confusion at His feet and let him fill your cup that is running dry. Don’t seek acceptance, validation, or love from your step kids. You will come up empty every single time. And on those days where you don’t FEEL the love or the like for your step kids, ask God for it. Let him renew your love for them daily. 

4. Remember Compassion

We serve a God of compassion. He looks at us in our own brokenness, and gently meets us where we are at. So, ask God to help you show everyone involved, this same compassion that He so kindly has extended to you and I. 

-For your stepchildren – You know that feeling? The one where you know they’ll never have your eyes, your smile, your blood, but they’ll always have your heart? That ache you get sometimes, wishing they knew how you felt about them? Let that be the driving force for your compassion, as they too are experiencing some big aches. They’re probably feeling some confusion about their family dynamic, why don’t they get to live with mom and dad simultaneously? What caused them to not be together? They’ll walk through several difficult and overwhelming emotions. Let their confusion be met with your compassion.

-For their mom – She too is also experiencing her own emotions and aches that are specific to her. Aching that she’s not the only woman or “mom figure” in her children’s lives. The ache that she’s missing days with her kids, and some other woman is getting to enjoy them. The fear that they may be having more fun with you because at her house, she’s the disciplinary. And maybe even worrying about their safety and happiness when not in her sight. Let her worries be met with your compassion.

-For your husband – He never dreamt this up for his picture perfect life dream, or family dynamic. Somewhere deep down, he probably aches with guilt, and has all kinds of fears and emotions of his own. Desires to please you, to please his children, to please the coparenting relationship, to please the other family voices speaking into his situation. It’s confusing and simply stressful. So, compassion is really important to extend to him while he’s doing his best to navigate. Let his stress be met with your compassion. 

-For yourself – Don’t be so hard on yourself. Every parent in your step kid’s life is capable of making mistakes, getting upset, saying the wrong thing, losing their patience, etc. You are not any more expected to be better than everyone else involved. You are still human, and you are still learning. Let your feelings of failures be met with compassion. 

5. Your marriage still comes first

It’s a hard realization to have, in ANY parenting situation. Let’s be honest, kids can be so needy! It’s so easy to always put them first. But if mom and dad aren’t a strong team that puts one another first…the rest of the ship goes down with them. It’s not selfish, and kids NEED to see healthy parent relationships- especially step kids. God’s desire is that our priorities are, 

1. Him 
2. Our spouse
3. Our kids 

You and your spouse are one and you need to function as one. Keep turning towards each other and not away from each other. 

Keep being affectionate and having date nights. Communicate when things feel chaotic or you’re really struggling with something. Use “we” and “us” dialogue consistently, to nurture the feeling of a family unit that includes both you and the step kids. Communicate about boundaries, plans, expectations, discipline, etc. Be sure that it’s you and your husband co parenting with your stepchildren’s mother (and stepfather), and not your husband co parenting solely with his ex. 

Let this be a beautiful opportunity to serve one another in love and put each other first. Not an opportunity to put kids first and offer up whatever breadcrumbs are left over for your spouse. 

6. Space is healthy- it’s okay to step back

Space is okay, for everyone involved. Let your step kids have time with just their dad. Let their dad see you having time with just them. Let the kids have alone time and space in your home (If it’s possible for you, giving them their own room will work wonders here). Let the kids all bond and play together while you and their dad have space. Be generous and rotate the space giving! Nobody can pour from an empty cup, and we all could use a breather at times. Especially you. So let the space do its thing…some even say it makes the heart grow fonder!

xx, Tracy